from the heart

Domino Effect based on Proverbs 7

The domino effect of lust, based on Proverbs 7.

1. Purposelessness - v. 7
2. Willingness - v. 8
3. Secrecy of Privacy - v. 9
4. Anticipation of Excitement - v. 12-13
5. Appealing to the Eyes - v. 16
6. Appealing to the sense of Smell - v. 17
7. Appealing to the sense of Taste - v. 18
8. Appealing to the sense of Touch - v. 18b
9. Appealing to the sense of Pride - v. 21
10. An impulsive decision - v. 22-23
11. An increasing number of victims - v. 24-27

More Q/A from "Pure Sex Series"

The Pure Sex series I'm doing ignites some really interesting questions. (We're answering them two or three at a time - keep coming back to see them all!)  I want to remind you that a couple who practices biblical counseling is helping me with these - so what you're reading is a collaboration of several people.

How do I say to my future husband that I've messed up several times? Do I tell him at all? I have faith God will provide wisdom and peace at heart...but its hard to know whether to tell or not.

It is wiser to pay the price of telling the truth now than waiting for him to discover it.  It is always better to err on the side of honesty and trust God with your future husband. After all, it will be a test for him to learn of it – it will reveal much about his character. You cannot change your past, but you can change how you respond to your past. Secrets have a way of being a barrier to intimacy and oneness.  They also have a way of growing in their darkness and holding you in bondage.  You will need God’s wisdom to know when and how to share.  The scripture promises that if any lack wisdom on a matter, God will give that wisdom liberally. 

When you tell him about mistakes from the past, share with him that you see it as sin and that you have confessed the sin to God.  God has promised that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us and cleanse us of all unrighteousness (I John 1:9).  You can stand clean before God because of Christ’s work on the cross.  You don’t have to approach it as a dirty vessel – that is not how God sees you.  He sees you as clean.   Also, tell your future husband that have committed to abstaining from sex until marriage and that you have accountability structures in place to aid you in your commitment.  If you have not confessed the sin to God and committed to abstain from sex until marriage, you should do so now, and put accountability structures in place to aid you in your commitment.  God will honor these commitments and He will honor openness and honesty.

How do you recover when your marriage starts out with impurity? How do you tell your kids?

I take this to mean that you and your spouse had premarital sex together.  You can stand clean before God by confession and repentance.  See the prior question about “walking through sexual redemption after failing.” The Scriptures promise that if we confess our sin to God, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness (I John 1:9).  You don’t stand before God as dirty vessels. 

There is one further thing you should do.  Once you have confessed to God, you should ask each other’s forgiveness.  The husband should ask the wife’s forgiveness for taking something from her that was not his to take.  The wife should ask her husband’s forgiveness for not resisting him and telling him no.  This can be a very tender and special time in your marriage that will bring healing in your relationship.  It also puts you in the position that this sin will no longer be master over you.

As for telling the children, you will have to ask God to give you wisdom – he will give it liberally (James 1:5).  You should not feel required to tell the children, but if they ask, you can share it as a sin that you have sought and received forgiveness for.  You can also share the consequences that you have experienced so that they know there are consequences.  Long before sharing with the children, be sure to teach in other areas of their lives that they can experience cleansing from sin.  Also, teach them the principle from Romans 6:13 that they should not go presenting the members of their body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness, but present themselves to God as those alive from the dead, and their bodies as instruments of righteousness to God.  Is there any way to participate in sexual sin and not “present the members of your body as instruments of unrighteousness”?  There is not.  Teach them to not let sin rule their bodies and that, as a Christian, they no longer have to sin – they are empowered by God to decline to sin (Romans 6:6).  The life of Christ who lives in them provides the very power they need to refuse sin.  As temptation to sin is presented, God will provide them with a way of escape and they can say with confidence: that is not who I am in Christ.

Q/A from "Pure Sex Series"

The Pure Sex series I'm doing ignites some really interesting questions. (We're answering them two or three at a time - keep coming back to see them all!)  I want to remind you that a couple who practices biblical counseling is helping me with these - so what you're reading is a collaboration of several people.

My wife and I have been married for some time and have not had sex one time. She is terrified of sex. I love her and desire to be faithful. How do I continue that?

There is a book for you to read together that would help. It is Intended for Pleasure by Drs. Ed and Gaye Wheat. Very often, the fear is rooted in unresolved conflict from the past, which can be resolved through counseling. These conflicts are likely to manifest in other ways besides sexual dysfuntion. You should really seek professional counseling as a couple.

How will you know if you are sexually compatible if you don't "test drive" before marriage?

The issue is one of how to become one and whether or not you are compatible. The Scriptures speak of man as being made up of body, soul, and spirit (1 Thessalonians 5:23). Think of your soul as your mind(thinker), will (decider), and emotions (feeler). Our culture pushes the idea that we should become one physically (body) in order to "test drive" the marriage. However, as you can see, this is just a very small portion of your makeup. What about your soul and your spirit?

This is the progression pushed at us by our culture:  To become on...

Body (physical) - have sex

Soul - Feel right about things, decide things together, think about things together

Spirit - perphaps this gets considered somwhere down the road.

Rather, the emphasis of Scripture points toward an opposite progression: To become one...

Spirit - We are brother and sister in the Lord before we are husband and wife (Ephesians 5). We are not to be married to unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). We can attend church together, pray together, and attend Bible studies together, witness for Christ together, fellowship with mutual friends together. In doing this, we can determine whether or not we are on the same page spiritually.

Soul - Think about things together, decide things together, and share your feelings

Body - Wait for physical oneness until the context of marriage.

This way we are "test driving" our relationship without violating God's way of waiting for sex until the context of marriage. When we do it God's way, the physical fulfillment and pleasure in the context of marriage is greatly heightened - because we are one in more ways than just physically. As John said in his message, "the right kind of passion in the right context is greater than anything the world can fathom because they know nothing of spiritual oneness."

David vs. Joseph

A look at Joseph and David will give us a great lesson on dealing with temptation.  Follow it below:

The Story of DAVID                              The Story of JOSEPH

      (2 Samuel 11)                                     (Genesis 39)

Looked at an unclad woman                Would not consider looking

      (v. 2)                                                   (v. 8-9)

Heart was inclined to self & sin            Heart was inclined to God  

Had wives and concubines                   Had no one else

Considered how to get his way           Considered how to get away

      (v. 3)                                                    (v. 9, 10)

Initiated contact                                  Refused contact

      (v. 4)                                                    (v. 11-12)

Committed immorality                         Abstained from immorality

      (v. 4)                                                    (v. 12)

Lied, murdered and manipulated         Remained innocent

to hide sin

God's judgment                                   God's favor

      (12:7-11)                                             (v. 21)

Who are you most like?   

Far Out Question

The Pure Sex series I'm doing ignites some really interesting questions. (We're answering them two or three at a time - keep coming back to see them all!)  I want to remind you that a couple who practices biblical counseling is helping me with these - so what you're reading is a collaboration of several people.

If we say the Bible says sex is between a man and a wife how do we deal with Old Testament concubines?

The Bible shows us real life as it was. There are many things described in the scriptures that are not endorsed by God. For example, David’s sin with Bethsheba is carefully explained, but in carefully explaining what David did, God was not endorsing what David did as being right. We get a view of what God preferred by noting his instructions on certain things. For example, in Deuteronomy 17:17 God explained what kind of person they should choose as a king. God told them that the person they choose as a king should not multiply wives for himself, or else his heart will turn away. In fact, that was Solomon’s great downfall (I Kings 11). He married many wives and his heart turned from God. We can point to Job as a Godly man in the Old Testament who had only one wife. There is no mention of other wives of Job (at least, I could not find any other). God’s way has always been monogamy - one man, one woman, for life. You will note that God only made one woman for Adam!

If you read the NT passages of marriage, monogamy is always clearly intended.  The whole revelation of God is with the understanding of both OT and NT together. 

More questions from the "Pure Sex" Series

The "Pure Sex" message series I'm doing ignites a number of questions. The text messages DURING the teaching time give me a chance to answer directly in the message as time allows, or in the blog in the days following that message. The answers you see below come from a joint effort of a couple who do biblical counseling and myself. Keep those questions coming!

How do you encourage a student who has already made a mistake?

Help him/her to see that it is more about his/her relationship with God and that our fellowship with God can be restored and that we can be clean before God. Also, see question posted earlier about this subject.

Also, if the student is feeling condemned after confessing and repenting, the scriptures say (Romans 8:1) that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If he is experiencing condemnation, it is not from God, but our enemy, Satan, and he does not have to accept the condemnation. He can take those thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:3 – 5) and reject the condemning thoughts.

How can you witness to a young person who is dealing with sexual sin and who has the mindset of “it is my body who cares what I do with it?”

Witnessing to him has the purpose of leading him to invite Christ into his life and not the purpose to conform to some behavior, such as abstaining from sex. If he has not invited Christ into his life, he is not born again and does not have the Holy Spirit living inside to reveal truth and draw him into living on the basis of who he is as a child of God and a friend of Christ. In other words, lost people will live out who they are – lost. Until he receives Christ into his life, he does not see his body as belonging to Christ. When he becomes a Christian, he will see that his body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in him, whom he has from God and that he is not his own. He then will see that he has been bought with a price and is commanded to glorify God in his body. (1 Corinthians 6:19 – 20)

Do you think sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are a consequence of sin?

If you mean “are STDs a consequence of our sin nature” - no. If you mean “are STDs a consequence of sexual sin”, the answer is different and longer. There are many consequences of sexual sin - some are physical (diseases), some are relational (people are hurt and relationships are broken), some are emotional (emotional connections are broken and trust is lost, often there is anger, anxiety, depression and other emotional fallout), some are spiritual (we give Satan a foothold in our lives).

Q/A from "Pure Sex Series"

The "Pure Sex" message series I'm doing ignites a number of questions. The text messages DURING the teaching time give me a chance to answer directly in the message as time allows, or in the blog in the days following that message. The answers you see below come from a joint effort of a couple who do biblical counseling and myself. Keep those questions coming!

How far does one have to go before I become sexually immoral?

Jesus said in Mathew 5:27 – 28 that if you look upon a woman with lust for her you have already committed adultery with her in your heart. Sexual immorality starts in the heart. When you look at someone of the opposite sex you have not committed adultery at that point. However, how you look makes the difference. Here is a practical way to look at it: if you begin to imagine what you could be doing with that other person, you have crossed the line and you need to confess the sin and repent to restore your fellowship with God. Or, if you begin to imagine what that person looks like without clothes on, you have crossed the line. Certainly, if you begin to be physically involved (heavy petting or sexually stimulating) you have crossed the line. It is God’s way that we be friends first and save the sex until and only in the marriage context.

How do we walk through sexual redemption after failing?

First of all, like David, see that what you have done is first and foremost a sin against God. Notice in Psalm 51:4 David admits that he has most importantly sinned against God. Psalm 51 was written by David after he was confronted by Nathan about his sexual sin with Bathsheba and the sins that followed. While he did sin against Bathsheba, her husband whom he had killed, his whole household and others, David saw that most importantly he had sinned against God. What we think we are doing under cover and behind closed doors is open scandal in heaven and is totally repugnant to God. See your sin that way.

But there is cleansing. He who conceals his sin will not prosper, but he who confesses and repents will find compassion (Proverbs 28:13). If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness, (1 John 1:9). God’s way is for us to confess our sins. This means to say the same thing about what we have done as God says about what we have done – call it sin, repent (turn and go the opposite way of what we have done). When we confess and repent, we experience the cleansing that comes with our right standing with God. In other words, we can live out who we are as a child of God and a friend of Christ and we can live out of the tremendous reservoir of who we are as a child of God and a friend of Christ.

Once we have turned from our sin to God, the Bible tells us that God will help us to avoid that sin. 1 Corinthians 10:13 shows us that we will not be tempted beyond what we are able to handle and that God will give us a way to escape the temptation. We have to take the way God gives us out when He gives us the way out. There are some practical things we can do to join God in His efforts to help us to not go back. We should put some boundaries and implement accountability in our lives.

If you have had sex before marriage and caused your body to be unsanctified, how do you fix it, can you become a born again virgin?

You cannot be a virgin again in the sense of physical virginity. The essence of being a virgin is that a virgin has not had sex. On the other hand, what sanctifies you is not abstaining from sex. You are sanctified by inviting Christ into your life as Lord and Savior. When you invite Christ into your life, His shed blood covers all your sin and you are sanctified (set apart for God’s purposes). Therefore Jesus also, that He might sanctify the people through His own blood, suffered outside the gate (Hebrews 13:12). Abstaining is a good work we do; sanctifying is a good work God does. We are not sanctified by the work we do, but by the work God does.